'Busyness' as self punishment in ADHD

I quit TV. I feel amazing. I've realised some big stuff...

Apr 17, 2024

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I had forty minutes to kill before my Yoga class this morning, so I sat on my sofa, coffee in hand and continued to read Cal Newport’s new book ‘Slow Productivity’.

This is the 7th book I’ve read in the last 16 days since I stopped watching streaming services, Youtube and mindlessly scrolling social media.

I bought this book because I had an inkling there was a different way of existing in the world of ‘productivity’, and ‘cause in the weeks since I’ve quit consuming stuff, I’ve grown an uneasy sense of peace - I know, a bit of an oxymoron!

Trapped By Media Consumption

As a self-employed person working from home I have total control over my day, with little accountability to others.

I spend chunks of time scrolling Youtube (I don’t use Instagram, Tiktok or Facebook), catching an episode of the new show I’m obsessed with on Netflix (that easily turns into 6 episodes binged), or having something constantly playing in the background.

Whilst doing this there is continuous voice of shame in my head.

“You should be doing something else. Why are you doing this again? Just pull yourself away! Go do something productive.”

Yet while the voice is loud, I’ve always felt glued. Trapped within the confines of a constant consumption of media. Restlessly trying to break out, but unable to truly escape.

I decided at the start of April to try and radically shake my habitual consumption by banning it completely. No trying to set rules that would be hard to follow, or time slots that would feed temptation. Just no.

What’s This New Feeling?

Within a week, my inner feelings of turmoil and the voice of shame dissipated and was replaced with an overarching sense of calm.

Instead of mindlessly watching stuff that (in most cases) I didn’t even really wanna watch, I spent my time: reading, discovering new music, writing and learning to rap 🤣

And the whole time, feeling…. peaceful. Ish.

It felt good, really good. But I couldn’t help but side eye it suspiciously.

My inner critic changed tack and instead I found myself thinking:

“Surely I should be being more 'productive’”

“You are being incredibly self indulgent.”

“Who do you think you are? Some 18th Century aristocrat!?”

“This seems too good to be true.”

What’s Really Going On?

Although the calmness felt good, there was something oddly confronting about spending my time on pursuits I was actively engaged in.

Then I read a line in the book Slow Productivity, and things slotted into place.

“If you’re exhausted, you tell yourself you can’t be accused of laziness.”

Whether it’s exhaustion from doing ‘busy’ work, answering emails immediately, always being available, or filling your day with scheduled activities. Or attentional exhaustion from constantly scrolling social media, or watching something - occupying ourselves constantly, creates a sense of busyness in which we don’t have to confront our fear of being lazy.

Turning off the external noise of social media and TV is to directly confront the discomfort of feeling lazy.

Consuming makes us at least feel like we’re doing something. It comforts the part of us that needs respite from the swirling thoughts in our head, the indecision of what task to do next or the overwhelm of where to start.

But it’s all a mirage.

In a weird way, it’s easier to deal with the shame of our inner critic saying we’re being lazy by scrolling mindlessly, then to confront the suspicious side eye of us choosing to spend that same time doing something that makes us feel good.

It’s an odd form of self punishment. If I’m going to ‘fail’ at being productive then I might as well feel bad about myself doing it.

Laziness hits hard in ADHD

As a person with ADHD, the word ‘lazy’ hits different. There’s a wider culture of busyness that Cal Newport addresses in his book: ‘pseudo productivity’ - as a society we’ve come to think looking busy, doing stuff, and being always ‘on’ means we’re being productive. Often we aren’t.

But ‘lazy’ hits to the core of the ADHD fear that our struggles are our fault.

When you have the best of intentions but don’t understand why you can’t translate them into action - it must be because you’re lazy. When you have 10 things to do and you’re too overwhelmed to start, so nothing gets done, it must be because you’re lazy.

So we fill our time with stuff that at least helps us feel like we aren’t totally failing at being productive. Or, if we’re struggling to engage our brains in what we need to do, we punish ourselves by getting trapped in scrolling through TikTok or watching TV.

Because if we’re gonna ‘fail’ at productivity, we don’t deserve to enjoy ourselves whilst doing it right?

WRONG.

Because you’re always gonna feel like there’s more you should or could be doing. So you’ll always be punishing yourself for time not spent in the service of dizzyingly unrealistic expectations of productivity.

What You Can Do…

I usually steer clear of the advice that ADHDers need to let themselves get bored, because I know from the people that I coach with ADHD that boredom can feel physically and emotionally painful.

But I AM gonna tell you to get bored. But get bored in the ADHD way.

Channel that restlessness into doing something, researching something, follow your inspiration.

Uninstall the app. Block the app. Unplug your TV. Find something to replace it with. Podcast? Book? Going outside?

Spend one hour free from the distraction of the noise that exists ‘out there’ and do whatever the heck you want.

Here’s where my boredom has taken me in the last 2 weeks (with no planning or expectation):

I’ve read 7 books
I’ve read a bunch of long articles about topics I was randomly interested in
I tuned a guitar I haven’t touched for about 14 years, and had a play with it
I learned Watsky’s Whoa Whoa Whoa rap off by heart (and decided I probs need a career in rap 🤣)
I built my LEGO bonsai tree that’s been on my shelf in bits since we moved a year ago
I laid on my office floor listening to music
I cleaned by entire house over the course of one day (and enjoyed doing it!)