Disappointed but I don't hate myself
A wasted day turns into significant progress
It’s 10.44pm on a Thursday night, and I’m on episode 10 of a Netflix series I started today. A working day. A day I intended to spend making significant progress on Youtube video creation.
I woke up feeling groggy, took my stimulants and laid there waiting for motivation to kick in. And then I remembered… there was a new series on Netflix I wanted to watch and the excited spark got me out of bed.
I got ready for the day and went downstairs.
I sat in front of the TV hovering over the play button, contemplating the risk I was about to take. I knew that if I started, there was a very high chance I wouldn’t do any work today.
And I chose to hit play anyway.
It’s now 10.44pm and I haven’t done any work today.
I recently shared my struggles with compulsive TV watching and tips to manage it, in the two videos below…
But today I didn’t follow my own advice.
I didn’t go to my co-working space. I didn’t join a accountability session that I booked. I’d unplugged my TV plug blocker a few days ago and hadn’t plugged it back in.
It wasn’t a total loss. My meds helped me parent myself enough to do some life admin and chores in the two 30 min enforced gaps between episodes. But by episode 3 that system had failed.
But instead, something quite magical happened.
I was thinking about what I’d say to Mr Rachel when he got home and asked ‘How was your day?’
My mind circled around justifications and excuses and it settled on this…
“I feel disappointed in myself.” And that was it.
No cripplingly sense that I was failure. No intense shame spiral as I recalled all the times I’d done it before, no sense of helplessness at the prospect that I’d do it again.
I felt disappointed in myself. But I didn’t hate myself. And MY GOODNESS that’s progress.
When I returned to self-employment in October I wrote down an intention to ‘back myself with my eyes wide open.’
I wanted to trust and believe that I could do it, but with full awareness that so many things that make me me, work against me in the world of working for myself. So I’d need to work hard to manage those things.
To do that you need to learn to continually forgive yourself and treat yourself with kindness.
How do you learn that? Weeell that’s something I’ll be sharing in January on Youtube - @rachdoesyoutube
In ProFesHunAL news:
I recently hit 5,000 subs on Youtube (WAHHH!!!!) and recorded a fun behind the scenes video for you all - When ADHDers try to learn something new
I am now accepting new Coaching clients for Jan 2024. Read more about ADHD Coaching with me here - https://rachelwalker.co/coaching or go right ahead and Book an Intro Call
Things I’m current OBSESSED with:
90s hip hop
Mango Loco Monster energy drink (o oh!)
My Christmas tree. It’s the first real Christmas tree I’ve had as an adult in my own house. I want to be near it all the time.
See ya’ll soon!
Rach x
You're quite awesome, and without a doubt to acknowledge and move ahead is huge progress.
'back myself with my eyes wide open' goes on my notebook :)